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OKC Marriage and Family Therapy

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  • OKC Marriage and Family Therapy
  • Home
  • About
    • Scott Brewer, LMFT
    • My Office
  • Services
    • Couples Counseling
    • Family Counseling
    • Hypnosis
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May 1, 2019 by Scott Leave a Comment

HOW TO HEAL WHEN TRUST IS BROKEN

The lack of trust that couples and families have for one another is widespread in our western culture. It is not uncommon to hear wives saying they don’t trust their husbands, husbands not trusting their wives. It’s no wonder that children grow up not trusting their parents, their siblings or their friends. Our children are growing up learning how to defend themselves from trust breakers by withdrawing and isolating themselves in their rooms. Adolescence often turns into a time that otherwise loyal young adults refuse to allow others to get emotionally close because the price is to high when trust is broken.

I, often times hear clients asking how long it might take to mend a relationship once trust is broken. Unfortunately, I cannot give them a specific amount of time. It is always interesting hearing couples or families share how they have attempted to rebuild trust in broken relationships. Maybe if you just comply with the parties involved, become a yes robot, not cause such a big stink about things or how about ignoring the issues or attempting to not communicate with each other. These are usually the things we try prior to seeking outside help.

The good news is that relationships can indeed be made well again. Healing can happen where trust has been shattered. Healing relationships is far from impossible. But, no doubt it is hard work for all parties involved. Where once we have seen trust placed on the sacrificial altar of our lives we have the option to sacrifice even more things on the altar of our relationships. It is culturally appropriate to sacrifice the relationship altogether. But, is that the best thing to do?

Over the last 30 or so years the families that I have loved to watch the most are the families and couples that forgive each other the most and that do not give up on each other when trust is broken. The couples that chose to do the hard work of resuscitating a relationship that was thought lifeless. The families that go the extra mile to make sure that their relationships with one another are healthy and robust. The families that are willing to be vulnerable with each other.

Does this mean that you must remain susceptible to abuse, ongoing affairs or other serious hurt or pain? Most definitely not. Is only one person in the relationship expected to be vulnerable? No! When I speak of vulnerability in healing broken trust in relationships I am referring to total transparency. I am speaking to the related parties that want to heal from broken trust. When both partners accept their responsibility in the brokenness of their relationship and their desire to work towards reconciliation. Brene’ Brown puts it this way:
     “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be          seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it          is our greatest measure of courage.”
And then Brown throws out this gem;
     “What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful.”

Vulnerability is a big word and a hard word to bite into when considering mending what has been torn. When the doctor says that you need stitches for your wound you know that it would be painful without a local anesthetic. But, we know that sucher’s are vital to our healing.

Likewise it is eminently necessary that we sucher the wounds of our relationships which, in effect, make us susceptible to pain. This susceptibility to pain and hurt is what it means to be vulnerable while healing a broken relationship. One must muster courage and bravery to withstand this open, vulnerable transparency. When two people humbly collaborate with one another healing, slow as it may be, can begin to do its work.

It sure seems easier in our damaged relationships to be the opposite of vulnerable. I think it would be considered to be much easier to be guarded, strong-minded, protected and closed off. We feel justified in defending and protecting ourselves. But, what happens to your heart when you spend all of your time defending and protecting yourself from emotional hurt? When we spend our lives fully guarded and closed off we fail to find beauty and joy in our world. Love itself is diminished when we over protect ourselves from emotional pain. Vulnerability is the door that opens our hearts to freedom and joy in our lives. And, when our spirit is free and full of joy we are able to experience relationships with confidence and trust. Only when you are full and free can you experience life to its fullest. To experience life is to experience relationships and we are blessed, in large part, because we allow ourselves to be vulnerable.

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Filed Under: Couples, Family, Trust, vulnerability Tagged With: couples, family, relationships, trust, vulnerability, vulnerable

February 17, 2019 by Scott Leave a Comment

Silver Screen Therapist

We often have some idealistic views about how our therapist should be when we meet them.  They should probably have a lush beard, a puffy cardigan, or some distinguished looking specs that they peer over to look at you when you are speaking about your difficult childhood.  It is possible that the reason we feel that way is because it has been told to us. Movies do much to tell us about how everything else in our lives should be from sex to death and taxes.  So it should come as no surprise that movies have also told us how our therapists should be.

Do not let them.

There are reasons to love movie therapists and reasons to…not love them (we will avoid hatred, it seems like overkill).  I hope to unpack both sides. What is there to appreciate about the therapist? What are some things I want to do that actually would turn out to be less than therapeutic?  What is it that this fictional therapist should not have done at all?

Hope Springs (2012)

Therapist Dr. Bernard Feld (STEVE CARELL) in HOPE SPRINGS

What I love:

What I love about the therapist in this movie is first and foremost that he is played by Steve Carell, whom I love.  In this movie he plays Dr. Feld, who specializes in couple’s therapy. He also does a lot of upfront challenging work that provokes a lot of change for the couple.  But at the same time he is filled with kindness and relates to the couple in a real and sensitive way. And at one point, he prescribes a sex book for Kay (Meryl Streep) and she has to go buy it, awkwardly.  Even better than all of this is that his business model is more like a retreat/bed-and-breakfast, so he gets to do all his work really quickly and in a beautiful coastal town.

What I do NOT love:

He splits the couple up and gives them therapy time as individuals.  Here is the thing- this is not an uncommon approach to couple’s therapy.  I know many clinicians who see this as a way of joining with each partner and exhibiting fairness to both of them.  The reason I do not like this approach as much is that it has the potential to foster secrets between them. I want to create an atmosphere of openness and honesty.  If I can urge clients to draw out vulnerability, it will in turn build trust. Again, not all clinicians are united on this. So while it’s not an uncommon approach, and I cannot in confidence say, “this just is not done,” I simply advise not to let your movies tell you what your therapist should do.

Ordinary People (1980)

What I love:

Judd Hirsch does not get enough credit for his role as Dr. Berger and he definitely does not get enough screen time.  What I love most about Dr. Berger is that he does something that I love doing in the first few sessions, which is blow any preconceived notions to smithereens.  Especially when his teen client says things like, “I don’t know…,” he does NOT let him off the hook. He presses into him to draw out emotion. He does things that the parents, teachers, and other doctors in the kid’s life does not do.  And when he gets angry, he lets him, because expression is vital to emotional health.

What I do NOT love:

One thing that happens in this movie is when the main character has a negative reaction to some bad news, this therapist springs from his home in the middle of the night.  He meets the character at his office, they talk for a while and he ends up telling the kid all about how they are “friends.” I love building clients up, but I am so careful about letting clients feel that what we have is a friendship.  In fact, I am being paid to do this, which is contrary to friendship. We have a nice relationship, which is certain. But this relationship will also end one day. My greatest hope is that the pre-existing relationships the client had will improve and I will no longer be necessary, making it possible for him or her to have a long and full life of healthy relationships.

Good Will Hunting (1997)

What I love:

I know, I am treading on sacred ground here.  You and I know that Good Will Hunting is one of the most important movies ever made, and believe me, Robin Williams delivering the role of therapist Sean Maguire is one of the reasons I became a therapist in the first place.  

What I love about this fictional therapist is that he sees something valuable in Will (Matt Damon), even though a dozen clinicians before Sean let Will go after the first session.  He is also unafraid of Will’s games (silent treatment, getting under Sean’s skin, changing the subject, etc.). He connects with Will in a challenging way that inspires this probation-sentenced kid to do some pretty serious heart work.  It all culminates in a beautifully tearful moment where Will is brought to tears as he embraces that his unfortunate south Boston upbringing was never his fault.

What I do NOT love:

Will gets under Sean’s skin.  Freud would call this countertransference.  But since people get nervous about Freud and he did enough cocaine to kill a small horse, we will just call it crossing boundaries.  Sean ends up telling Will about way too much of his life. It makes sense for the movie because they are both from south Boston. In reality, no matter how much we think we have in common with a client, his or her story is unique.  

And about that beautiful, “it’s not your fault…,” scene; the one that culminates in a big passionate hug?  I would be careful about that. While I want to comfort my clients in their very unfamiliar eruption of tears, lately it seems frowned upon to hug teenagers behind closed doors.  That is one good way to get yourself on the evening news for all the wrong reasons. In general, do not expect your therapist to be hugging you all the time because your movies should not tell you about your therapist.

There are dozens of movies with some kind of therapist in it.  I narrowed it to three because it works best in a blog. It has been said to me in reviewing these movies, that sometimes the reason not to love a therapist in a movie is also the reason we DO tend to fall in love with them.  It shows their flaw and humanity and makes them easier to connect with. And maybe even within that message is the notion that reminding ourselves that our own real-life therapists are human and flawed can make them even easier to connect with.  

Filed Under: anxiety, conflict, counseling, Counselor, Couples, depression, Family, Marriage, Therapist, Therapy

February 9, 2019 by Scott 1 Comment

The Unheard Voice

It’s only natural to not want to make waves. Even when we get our feelings hurt we sometimes stay silent. I cannot count the times that clients have shared with me that the best thing that they get out of therapy is the simple aspect of just being able to talk and get things out. It seems odd, when we think about it that we go to a stranger to tell our problems to instead of talking to the ones that we love. It may seem odd, but it is a common occurrence. Here’s the deal, I think the reason that we find it easier to talk to a therapist is that we know that they will listen. I mean, they’re trained to and paid to, right? That’s the struggle that we often face. The people in our lives that we say we are closest to may not actually be really listening to us. You can tell when someone is not really listening to you, right? If you really zoom in on the conversation your having. I mean focus, pay attention, be mindful of what is happening in your presence, in that moment, in that conversation. You will discover that you can really tell if they are really listening to you or not.

So, what do you do when someone is not really listening to you? Sometimes I let out a buzzer sound mid-sentence and then continue talking like nothing happened. You know, like the buzzer at a basketball game. That awful horn that they buzz will really get your attention. But really, what do you do when someone is not listening to you? Well, there are lots of different techniques that you can use, but for now let’s just focus on one. It may not be your favorite answer, but it has been tested true time and again. If you want someone to really listen to you then start really listening to the people in your life that are talking to you. In John Gottmans’ book “The Relationship Cure” he calls it the law of Sowing and Reaping. What you sow into your life you will reap or receive back. When you set your mind to truly hearing and understanding what someone is saying it is only natural for them to listen to you when you do finally speak.

Often we have a tendency of thinking about what we are going to say when someone is speaking to us. It falls into the same camp of being defensive and making sure that we are being heard. Instead, what would it look like to just be present when someone is speaking? In Brennan Mannings book, “Ruthless Trust” he calls it finding your “nowhere”. This word can be broken down two different ways. No/Were or Now/Here. What would it look like to simply be in the here and now, the present moment, fully aware of what is happening in your presence? Weather we are in our own presence, God’s presence or in the presence of others it is profitable and rewarding to simply “Be”. Be in the moment, allow yourself to relax in the ubiquitous company of your surroundings. You may discover that really listening will help others listen to you when you need to be heard.

Filed Under: Mindful Relationships Tagged With: communication, couples, family, listening, mindfulness, presence, reaping, relationships, sowing

Scott Brewer



(405) 662-1557
scott@okcfamilytherapy.com

416 NW 23rd St.
Oklahoma City, OK 73103

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Specializing in Marriage and Family Healing and Hypnosis

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416 NW 23rd St.
Oklahoma City, OK 73103

(405) 662-1557
scott@okcfamilytherapy.com

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